Dear Should I Step In
Dear M,
My Mom recently moved into a rather posh Continuing Care Retirement Community with her Partner of 22 years. They have lived an incredible life together in so many ways. They are accomplished academicians and have had the opportunity to travel the world. They have lived in a community in which diversity is abundant. It has afforded them a more comfortable life without daily disdain. Well you can only imagine what has happened. Not only do they feel ostracized by all too many residents but also by some of the staff who go out of their way to be “extra nice.” How do I protect my Mom and her Partner?
Dear Should I Step In,
It is “expected” when a person or persons move into a retirement community, that they will be noticed by others. They become “the talk of the town.” Others are curious and are often wondering who these new residents are, what their lives have been about, where they are from and whether they might be a new acquaintance or friend. They can have all good intentions.
For Sarah and Betty, like so many people in the LGBTQ community or in other marginalized communities, they may have developed a particular type of radar to protect themselves. They may have “extra sensors“ to read the degree of discomfort or fear or hate of the onlooker. Could it be possible that a resident could be looking from a position of comfort and warmth? Just maybe they finally feel that they have an ally or another person/couple whom they can relate to? Imagine that! It has happened.
It is not clear from what you have said whether the residents are giving them “looks,” muttering to others or saying derogatory statements. Neither behavior is any more acceptable than the other. It’s simply not alright to express one’s own homophobia and downright ignorance toward another individual. It would be my hope that most residents would “know better than to verbally make mention,” but who knows.
Unless Sarah and Betty want you to actively do something, I would suggest that you not do so. At least for now. They need to live there for a period of time to see how everything sorts out. Like most people living in a retirement community, they will find like-minded people who become friends. We must be careful not to jump too quickly to our presumptions because of our history.
